When I told my teacher about my recent situation, his typing speed increased in a good way. The reason I assumed it was in a good way is because I had reduced my medication even further. Until now, I mostly felt that it was unfair to give something and then take it away, but this time, I just thought, "Go ahead and do that too." What torments me the most is the fear that I am utterly useless, but I don't think about that much anymore. Of course, this is like a wave, so if things go fast, I might find myself crying without saying a word again in a few months. Suddenly, I remember the dawn scene in Sinsa-dong. I was on my way back after buying some snacks at a convenience store, having come out with money scraped together from my wallet, bag, and every nook and cranny of the house. I gave up trying to wake up a drunk man lying on the front door frame of the row house I lived in at the time, using it as a pillow, and returned to my room to watch zombie movies blankly all night. Back then, too, I must have suddenly been out of work or had no money. It’s not that I didn’t have friends or family, but I was just so bad at talking about such things. So, if asked if I’m doing well now, I am trying very hard. Because I know well that there are people by my side who are waiting for me to talk, without necessarily pressuring me. Well, anyway, lately I often think about things I tried so hard to forget, but it doesn't feel hard at all. According to the birth chart analysis Yeonju gave me yesterday morning, a revolutionary reorganization energy is coming my way soon—could this be part of that? Haha. Because this year, I feel like I am really taking out and smashing away many of the things I considered to be 'me' and refining them anew... Wow, that sounds a bit grandiose. I just went on and on again saying that I have been doing well and am doing well.
I naturally added an analytics panel to the blog, and the visitor statistics show the location from which visitors accessed the site. Korea, Thailand, and Switzerland are vividly depicted. It conveys a sense of distance that is difficult to feel on Instagram. So, it feels close yet far, but nevertheless, as if we are together.